Detroit, MI — 45-year old Janice Smith was captured toward the beginning of today by officers of the Detroit Police Department, for supposedly catching various squirrels and preparing them to assault her previous sweetheart.
The casualty, 51-year old James Robinson, was probably assaulted by the rodents on more than twelve events in the course of the most recent month.
These assaults caused him numerous genuine wounds, including the loss of two fingers and one gonad, gnawed off by his assailants.
The poor man had no clue why squirrels continued assaulting him until the point when he saw his ex, a previous carnival creature coach, cheering the creatures amid one of the assaults.
“She was in part taken cover behind a few shrubs, yet I could unmistakably observe her and hear her. She was shouting orders at the squirrels and instructing them to assault me.”