1. You create a wedding hashtag.
While some couples might find it cute to have a wedding hashtag so they can see what everyone is tweeting about their wedding, it’s also the worst idea in the world. Why would you throw a party and then promote the idea of everyone just sitting around looking at their phone? Hey, instead of dancing and having fun, tweet some pointless garbage and not make any eye contact with other human beings the whole time.
2. You have a destination wedding.
We totally understand that Hawaii is super romantic and the perfect place for your wedding. But do you not understand that most people can only afford one vacation per year, and they don’t want to waste it on you? Your local friends and family shouldn’t have to rent a hotel room just to attend your wedding.
3. You use drones as your photographer.
Some wedding photographers are starting to use drones to get elaborate, overhead photographs of the wedding. That’s what every party needs: a bunch of machines flying overhead. What are the chances that the wedding photographer isn’t as skilled a drone pilot as they think they are? All it takes is one drone smashing into someone’s head to ruin a nice wedding.
4. You hire the maid of honor or best man.
There are professional maids of honor/best men these days. It’s not just a plot for a dumb-looking movie. They’re pretty much undercover personal assistants for the bride and groom. If you don’t have enough friends to fill out your wedding party, then you shouldn’t be having an elaborate wedding.
5. You have numerous outfit changes.
It’s your wedding day, not the VMAs. Some wedding parties are starting to incorporate outfit changes into their routine, because they’re full of sad people who don’t know how to just have fun at a party.
6. You livestream the entire wedding.
Here’s a harsh reality: no one cares about your wedding. Aside from your parents, it’s not a big deal. No one on the internet wants to watch other people have a ceremony and then a party. Scratch that, there are perverts all over the internet who want to watch your wedding.
7. You provide selfie sticks for guests.
There’s something about weddings that makes people want to take pictures. Which is fun, but no matter the situation, selfie sticks are never OK. If you’re the sort of person who’s ever used a selfie stick, you’re also the sort of person who has no idea how dumb you look in public.
8. Your guests give too many speeches.
The maid of honor makes a speech, and so does the best man. Also, most of those speeches are terrible and everyone has to just politely sit through them. Don’t add more pointless speeches; no one wants to hear them and you’re just making your guests wait longer to start having fun.
9. You choreograph dance entrances.
Here’s the thing about weddings: everyone’s going to dance, eat, and drink. All of your wedding guests are willing to sit through some basic ceremonial stuff, like the bride and groom’s first dance. Some couples turn the introduction of the wedding party into giant elaborate dance numbers these days. Well, guess what? No one is watching you dance; everyone is just thinking, “I’m hungry, when is this going to be over?”
10. You have a cash bar.
This is just terrible. A cash bar instead of an open bar? At your wedding? What are you, a monster? If you have a cash bar, you might as well also have a guy walking around punching everyone in the back of the head. What kind of terrible person are you?