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Never Fear, citizens! Your hero is here!

La Crosse, WI, United States / Classic Rock 100.1
Never Fear, citizens! Your hero is here!

The country can rest safely. I have vanquished the beasts that threaten to invade our storied castle. I did battle with not one…but TWO wasps this afternoon. Like the winged wreckers of weekends before them they fell to the power of my trusty sword flyswatter.

These two punks tried to sneak in through a screen in the Classic Rock studios. The weather being what it is, I flung open the window to the outside…and there they were. I let out a bit of a shriek manly battle cry, girded my loins, and set to extinguishing them.  The first guy as no contest. Clearly the second in command. He presented himself…and I whacked him. However…I didn’t hit him flush so he fell to the table in front of me and was no longer in the window.

I quickly changed my pants and went back to battle.

Locating him was easy. He was buzzing around and kind of scaring me making a bunch of noise. I whacked him good and he splattered all of the window. Which was gross. And now I have to clean that up. So, you know, thanks, man!

The second guy…clearly the wiley veteran…did not go so easily. He holed up in the corner of the window looking for an escape. He took his sweet time and something had to be done. I think he was baiting me in though, because I went to whack him and he came flying into the room.

Not cool, wasp dude! Not cool!

I would move, he would counter. I would move he would counter. It was a chess match Bobby Fisher would have been proud of. Or at the very least Lawrence Fishburne (who starred in “Searching for Bobby Fisher”) would have been proud and that is, like, basically the same thing.

The evil doer must have gotten tired because he landed and turned his back on me and I pounced! I whacked him a good one…but he went to fly away so I ended up winging him too. I started to feel bad for him…writhing around and gasping for air. I think. Their heads are really small but I imagine he was gasping. It makes for a better climax to the story if he was fighting for life and not just being an insect with no human qualities. I whispered “Let go, old boy. You’ve done well but it’s time to move along…” and bought down my flyswatter blade with the fury of a thousand burning churches. he crossed him arms and accepted his fate. I vanquished him changed my urine soaked pants and celebrated with grog and the company of a voluptuous woman!

Fear not citizens! For I, Sir Steven of Raid, am here to protect the kingdom!








Part of that story isn’t true.

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